Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
He shit in the fireplace
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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