Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
