She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
