i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize