She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
