Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
