Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
