Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
