Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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