Where are you?
In a non slutty way
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize