he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
