I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
