Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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