I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
