recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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