My hand turned me down
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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