Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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