I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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