I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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