Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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