i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
