I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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