Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
