Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
