its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
