I think i peed on brittanys purse
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Randomize
