Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize