if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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