She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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