You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
