So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
