I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
