I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
