she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
