So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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