She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
