I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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