There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You ruined the universe
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
