who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
