Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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