I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
