How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
