Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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