YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
