hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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