Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
