I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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