She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
