Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
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