Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
