I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Pants are for mortals
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
