I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
