Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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