My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
