saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
